we who see

#1

• You have good intentions. I like the way you laugh and your facial expressions are priceless. You are an odd child; you remind me of me when I was younger. But what’s inside of that heart? I want to explore inside the abyss and find what makes you tick, what makes you genuinely happy, what makes you cry, what makes you angry. Because right now I see your heart as a dark void, a lifeless, dull thing in your body, beating by machine. I want to know what’s in that brilliant little mind of yours, because I want to see the things you can’t see from just looking at you.
• I wonder if you are really as beautiful as I think you are now. You’re wonderful but you let things slip. Negative things. Now that you are closer to me it’s obvious you lie to me; little white lies that come out like brief sighs. I wonder if this is real friendship, trusting me that I’ll believe your lies. Some fucked up friendship.
• When you are gone I don’t know what I’ll do. I tell myself not to think about it, but what am I going to do? Your days with me are coming to an end. Who will I go to when I’m crying? I won’t get to snuggle with you. You bring such joy to my life that I don’t have with anybody else. Something about you makes my heart ache with happiness and a certain sadness I can’t explain… You are my personal hero. I don’t know what I’ll do.
• What do you think of me? I’m tired of your judgments. I hope you make up your mind, because you and I would make a good team <3.

I feel like I don’t laugh the way I used to. I don’t know what I laugh at anymore. Some days I feel like I’m incapable of making any form of communication because I’m so paralyzed in my own thoughts. Because I want to be left alone. But other times, I need company. I need it so much it hurts; so badly I want to be held in someones arms; so badly I want to genuinely smile. I feel like I need to force myself to be all of these things when frankly all it’s doing is making me feel worse. I want to meet someone who will just sit with me and we would both hold hands and not say a word, acknowledge each other’s presence and enjoy the silence.